Kevin Rudd is coming to UWA!

It seems the teaching method does work and I had nothing to fear about my exam. It was the second easiest one I've ever taken; the first being a legal writing exam which was just 30 multiple choice questions about grammar. We had all finished after about 15 minutes and had to sit around waiting for the half hour mark so we could leave. Hello, HD. But that's not what I came here to write about...

Kevin Rudd will be giving an address at UWA on Friday afternoon. I received an email invitation several hours ago and was instantly excited. I have very mixed feelings about the man. On one hand, I bitched about so many things he did as Prime Minister. I hated his attitude, I hated his smug smile, and I hated how he often acted like a complete diva. But on the other hand, I've actually developed quite a soft spot for him now that he's no longer running the show. He did do a lot of fantastic things as PM, like apologising to the stolen generation and getting us safely through the GFC. And, of course, the way he was stabbed in the back by Julia Gillard was enough to elicit some sympathy from even the most conservative of Australians. I find him a lot more endearing now that I know we aren't all in his possible somewhat psychotic hands. Foreign Affairs is what he's suited to and I'd be very interested to hear what he has to say.

Unfortunately though, I have an exam that afternoon. The address is at 12.30 and my exam isn't until 2, but I'm really going to need all the time I can get to study. So I'm very torn as to whether or not I should go. I have until 5pm tomorrow to RSVP but if I do go, I don't want to leave it too late because seats are limited. I don't know. When am I going to have another chance to be that close to a former Prime Minister? I think I should probably sleep on it.

That said though, it was announced earlier tonight that Rudd has pulled out of the APEC meeting later this week due to a respiratory illness. But that news was released at about the same time as I received the email, so I'm not sure whether he's even still coming here. If you're too sick to travel, then you're too sick to travel, right? It's not going to look good for him if he skips one event and attends another, is it? My right-wing acquaintances are already jumping on it, claiming he's shirking his responsibilities and will be seen as snubbing Japan (where he's quite unpopular) again. So I'm hoping that the talk will have to be postponed. At least then I'll be able to attend guilt-free.

You retain 80% of information when you're teaching it to others, right?

If it's true that teaching others is the best way to learn, then I ought to be an expert by now. My exams start tomorrow - two on the same day! - and I've spent more of the last week teaching than studying. Some friends and I organised a study group to meet Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday and I thought that would be a good opportunity to catch up on the things I wasn't so sure of. But it turned out everybody knew less than I did and I spent all of my time explaining things. No offence to any of them, of course, because I can understand how some of the concepts would be difficult to grasp. Not to mention I love helping others out and if they can do better because of me, that's fantastic. But now I'm sitting here going, "Shit, do I actually know enough for the exam?" Blogging about it obviously isn't the best way to find out and potentially rectify the problem, I know, but that's beside the point.

I suppose I ought to get back to it though. It's 10pm and I still have so much more work to do, and I've completely forgotten what I actually came here to blog about in the first place. I guess it'll just have to wait. Until when, I'm not sure, because it's going to be one hell of a week. The joys of university, huh?

Day 30: Your favorite song

I can never choose a favourite song, sorry. How about my current favourite band instead?

(Remind me not do to this in my exams, by the way. "I can't answer your question so I'll replace it with one that suits me instead." Bad.)

I change favourite bands almost as often as I change my underwear, so this probably won't last, but it's currently Ordo Rosarius Equilibrio. They're a Swedish neofolky, experimental, industrialish band - it's hard to say because those genres always tend to flow together. A lot of the music has an unusually soft martial industrial feel to it, but the lyrics are about things like sex, BDSM, and heathenism. You know, the sexy, interesting stuff that you wouldn't play for the children. And, although he's not the most attractive of men, Tomas Pettersson's vocals are strangely alluring.

They're definitely not going to be everybody's cup of tea, but youtube them anyway. You might be surprised.


And wow, with this post my 30 Day Challenge is finally complete. I was sure I'd get bored and give up halfway through, but I've stuck it out and here I am. The blogging habit is certainly well on its way to forming: it's always in the back of my mind when I'm out during the day. So I think that's a pretty good sign. Now I'll hopefully have more time to write about more interesting things, rather than these lame questions. Was nice knowing you, 30DC!

Day 29: In this past month, what have you learned

What have I learnt? A lot.

But nothing deep about myself or the universe or the future, just ... stuff. When you go to uni every day, you're bound to be learning something, no? I've learnt how to diagnose aphasias, some theories of international relations and international law, a whole lot about different cultures, that I'm terrible at any sort of economics, some interesting stuff about people's love lives, and also that it feels awesome to stand at the podium in a lecture theatre. Nothing incredibly exciting.

Oh, and I almost forgot: I've also learnt that as brilliant as I may be at lying, I am an awful actor. It's not something I enjoy doing, but sometimes when there's something you want, it helps to dumb yourself down a bit. I know that probably sounds terrible, but it reminds me of the lyric from Working Class Hero: "They hate if you're clever and despise a fool". Sometimes you just have to find that middle ground. And it seems I'm not very good at that at all.

Day 28: A picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?

I realise this is the same photo I have over there --> but I chose it because it's almost exactly a year old. It's from Halloween last year, which also happened to be Pride. Always happy to support our queer friends, my best friend and I headed out to the Court for the party. I was dressed up in this adorable fraulein costume, which was seemingly not as short (and probably not as cute) on me as it is on that model. I have a lollipop in my mouth because they were handing them out for free and who can resist free sugary stuff? Unfortunately though, we had got our hopes up too high for the night and, after retreating to Rosie O'Grady's for a while, we went home fairly disappointed. As for a photo of me now ... hold on, I'll just snap one:

There we go. Hello! Yes, my room is a bit of a mess. That's pretty typical.

So, how have I changed? That's hard to say. I apparently haven't kicked my habit of falling for unavailable men, nor of procrastinating. But I suppose the most obvious thing is that I'm so much happier now. This time last year I was anxious, bored with everything, and had no idea where I was going. Now I've got where I wanted and I'm far happier. I have many more friends that I've made at UWA, and they help keep me sane too. I'd also like to think I'm a lot more knowledgeable. I look back at the things I said and wrote and wonder what on earth I was thinking. God, I said some stupid things. And I was so ignorant! Of course, I'll probably look back at myself next year and say the same thing about 2010 me, but for now I feel like I'm doing well.

With that knowledge has also come a greater understanding of who I am and what I stand for. Even last year, I was pretty apathetic about things like politics and religion. I had opinions, sure - I've always had plenty of those - but I wasn't really prepared to back them up and do much with them. Now I'm studying politics, as well as actively engaging with like-minded people. It feels so much better to actually be involved in these sorts of things. Being sure about where I stand and willing to voice my opinions is a good feeling.

But other than that, I'm pretty much the same person. I have the same close friends, live in the same house, enjoy a lot of the same things, still giggle about immature things at times, still have to wage a mental battle with myself to leave my comfortable bed each morning, and still refuse to wear pants. Yep, same old Nikki.

Day 27: Why are you doing this 30 day challenge

I'm fairly sure I covered this in my very first 30DC entry.

I'm doing this because I needed something to motivate me to blog often. Every other blog I've had has died because I got too lazy to write, and I don't want that to happen again. We've all heard that saying that it takes 21 days to form a habit. It actually takes considerably longer than that, but I'd say 30 days is a pretty good start towards it. If I can get into the habit of blogging every day, then I'll actually be able to discuss all of the interesting things I find and weird things that run through my mind. I won't have to put them off due to laziness and then forget completely.

So that's really it. I can't say the questions particularly appealed to me or anything; in fact, I'm actually finding them quite dull and annoying. I just want to be forced to write because apparently I'm no good at forcing myself.

Day 26: What do you think about your friends

This is a ridiculous question. I think they're fantastic, of course.

I can't write a whole lot because I'm buried under a pile of exam revision right now, but they're pretty darn awesome. There are different ones for different occasions, for different conversations, for different bitchy rants. There are close ones, not so close ones, and ones who simply serve a purpose by being in the right place at the right time. But I love them all. They keep life interesting and they keep me entertained, and that's as much as I can ask for.

So you want to get a PhD in the humanities?

I came across this video the other day and as much as it made me giggle, it also hit home a little.



I plan on doing a PhD but I'm constantly worried that I'll be wasting a big chunk of my life and then not have anything to do with it afterwards. What topic will I choose? How will I survive? Am I going to have to do shitty retail work to support myself? What if I lose interest halfway through? Who would want to employ a linguistics PhD? What would I do? Or, before all of that, will I even manage to get in? And hell, I haven't even thought about Honours yet. There are just so many things I'm unsure of.

But all of that said, I know that academia is very different here in Australia than it is elsewhere in the world, especially America. According to Wikipedia (I know, collective mediocrity, shh), Australian professors are the highest paid in the world, and we still seem to have a healthy respect for academics. While Americans are deriding academics as crazy Marxists who are leeching off the government, we are still throwing huge amounts of money into research funding, which is fantastic.

I also haven't seen the same sort of competition and hopelessness in grad students. Of course, this is only based on what I've seen and heard (and I could be way off), but there seem to be a lot more opportunities here. Morale of PhD students is generally high, the money situation is better, and job opportunities seem more, well, existent. Not to say it's not still a difficult few years of your life, full of stress and criticism and wondering where the hell you're going to end up, but I feel better knowing I'm in Australia. And if you actually can get a job at a university (which is my aim), one look at the salary scale on any university website shows that you certainly won't be living off mi goreng anymore.

Furthermore, I wouldn't be like the student in the video. I'm making the effort to get to know the relevant lecturers and professors so that if I ever need any sort of academic reference, I won't be that C-student they've never seen or heard from before. I'll be the one they recognise instantly as that interested girl who got HDs. In high school, or even in my last degree, I would have laughed and cringed at the idea of being that student. In fact, in the entire four years I spent at Murdoch, I could probably count on one hand the number of times I ever spoke to one of my professors after class or during their office hours. But I've blown that number out of the water each semester this year and not only does it feel good to have a decent relationship with my teachers, my grades are all the better for it. And it's not just about using them for my own success, absolutely not. They have actually been worth getting to know too. Maybe it's simply that I'm more enthusiastic and I'm projecting, but they all seem happier, friendlier, funnier, and genuinely more passionate about their fields here, with more time for their students. And that's exactly what you look for in a teacher.

I've also had an offer from a lecturer at another university to help put me in touch with useful people in the area of computational linguistics, after I voiced an interest in natural language processing. Unfortunately, I'm not particularly good with programming and I don't have any concrete ideas about areas of study, but it's still very early days and I may well take him up on it eventually. Psycholinguistics is another area I'm interested in, and that's the type of thing where there's always research to be done, so there's another idea. Either way, it's nice to know there are plenty of options out there.

See, I've psyched myself up now and I feel much better. Maybe there isn't so much to worry about after all. Not that I should even be worrying about all of these things yet anyway, but it's never too early to start looking to the future, right?

Day 25: What I would find in your bag

I must confess I've been looking forward to this one. My bag is a minefield and I'm very curious to see what strange, forgotten things I'll find in there. Also, it forces me to actually clean it out. Here we go:

• Drink bottle
• Hair brush (which means I 've been rocking the bed hair look since Thursday afternoon)
• Deoderant - spray and roll-on
• Wallet
• Phone
• Uni notebooks (need those for exam study tonight)
• Book on aphasias (must remember to take that back to the library)
• Deck of cards
• Brown Brotha: a cork from a bottle of Zibibbo with a midori bottle top for a hat and a face/suit drawn on
• Pressed powder and a large brush
• Small pack of bandaids
• Feminine hygiene products
• Purple and blue eyeshadows
• Paracetamol
• Ginkgo Forte (before you berate me for using herbal crap, they give me an awesome high)
• Lip gloss and lib balm
• Chewing gum
• A whole bunch of old receipts, wrappers, tissues, shopping lists, parking tickets, notes etc. (all dumped in the bin now)
• Mini ruler
• Assortment of pens, including bright pink and purple one that all of my tutors should now recognise as mine
• iPod
• A die (I have no idea either)

Ok, that was significantly less interesting than I thought it would be. But at least I'm fairly prepared for illness, injury, boredom, or a makeup crisis. That's the main thing!

Day 24: A letter to your parents

Dear mum and dad,

Thank you for being amazing parents. Thank you for doing everything in your power to make sure I had a fantastic childhood. Thank you for teaching me to think for myself and question everything. Thank you for always pushing that little more when I was being lazy or stubborn. Thank you for entertaining all of my ideas and listening to everything I have to say, because I know nobody will ever listen and care the way you do. Thank you for helping me out whenever I've needed help, whether it be financial, academic, or just someone to drive all the way up into the hills to pick my paraletic arse up from a party in the middle of the night. Thank you for teaching me to be a good person with decent manners and a healthy respect for other people. And most of all, thank you for always supporting me, no matter what. I may have made a lot of good decisions but I know I've also made a lot of bad ones, and you've respected all of them, stood by me, and let me learn my lessons in my own way. I'm so grateful for all of that. I could never be the person I am today if it weren't for you.

I'm sorry that I'm such a lazy bitch sometimes. Actually, most of the time. I'm sorry that I don't always tell you everything that's going on in my life. I'm sorry that I've lied to you about certain things over the years. I'm sorry that I'm so terrible at sticking with things and that I've probably wasted a lot of your money on badly thought out pursuits. I'm sorry that I can often be selfish and forget about others. And I'm sorry that it's such an effort to get me to do the jobs I'm supposed to do. BUUUT you'll be happy to know that I'm about to get up and actually do the dishes right now. See, these things do get done eventually!

Love you both,

Nikki
xxx

Day 23: Something you crave a lot

I figure the typical answer to this question would be some type of food, so I'll take a slightly different path:

Attention and mental stimulation.

I'm a very confident person, but I'm constantly seeking recognition. Not in a "good girl *pat on the head*" sort of way, just ... I have such a desire to prove myself and I want to know that what I'm saying and doing is good enough. Maybe it's due to some deep-seated insecurity that I'm not even aware of, but the idea of not being any attention to or being seen as not having anything worthwhile to say is just terrifying.

And then, of course, I need mental stimulation. I can't stand not to be constantly learning things and nothing annoys me more than people who can't engage in deep conversation. Small talk is frustrating and as soon as I come across somebody who is capable of more than that, whose mind is full of the sort of stuff I love, I latch on. It's fairly rare, so it's a fantastic experience when it actually happens. Unfortunately, I tend to want to suck them dry very quickly. It's like a drug, I suppose. I need to have people I can look up to and learn from, or whom I can at least engage with on a similar level about things we share an interest in. If I go too long without it, I get restless and bored.

Both of these probably explain why I love the university environment so much. I'm in an environment in which I can prove myself; in which I can get quick feedback on my opinions and work. And, at the same time, it's full of intellectuals who are experts on all of the things I'm interested in. These are people whose minds I can pick, whose office hours I can abuse, and whom I can help make feel more important. After all, it must be a good feeling to have students care so much about what you're teaching, right? It's a win-win situation.

Day 22: What makes you different from everyone else

What makes me different from everyone else? I don't know, I'm a pretty average person. But I suppose there are a couple of things that aren't so common:

I can mirror write
I'm double-jointed in my shoulders
I'm useless at dealing with people's emotions
I've been single my entire life
I have a crazy fear of skeletons

Err, I'm sure there's plenty more I could think of, but I've run out of time. Maybe I'll come back and edit this later.

You're an idiot

I like to think that I'm pretty tolerant of other people's beliefs. I may not accept them and I may not even respect them, but hey, think whatever you like. However, there are some things that I take real issue with and I have to get this off my chest:

If you believe in a secret communist new world order, you're an idiot.
If you believe that 9/11 was an inside job, you're an idiot.
If you believe that Obama is a Muslim, you're an idiot.
If you believe that Obama was not born in America, you're an idiot.
If you believe that Obama is a communist, you're an idiot.
If you believe that vaccinations are a government conspiracy to infect children, you're an idiot.
If you believe in chemtrails, you're an idiot.
If you believe that humans and dinosaurs coexisted, you're an idiot.
If you believe that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice, you're an idiot.
If you believe that Al Qaeda was created by the government as an excuse for war, you're an idiot.
If you believe that Jews are controlling the world, you're an idiot.
If you believe that global warming (or climate change in general) is a lie, you're an idiot.
If you believe that liberals hate their country, you're an idiot.
If you believe that racism underlies conservatism, you're an idiot.
If you believe that the starving and homless had an equal opportunity to succeed and are only there because they were lazy or made bad decisions, and are thus undeserving of any assistance, you're an idiot.
If you believe in hidden backwards messages, you're an idiot.
AND
If you believe in anything without question, without evidence, and without applying any critical thought .... yep, you guessed it, you're an idiot.

Day 21: A picture of something that makes you happy

I thought I'd incorporate two things into one with this photo: Jack and Christmas.

I love Jack more than I've ever loved anything (and almost anyone) before. He's more than just a pet: he's my baby and I adore him. That probably sounds lame to some people, but anyone who has ever had a dog will understand. He loves me unconditionally and follows me around everywhere like a shadow. Right now, he's sleeping on my bed behind me. No matter what sort of day I've had, I'm always happy when I get home and see him. Whether I've been gone for a week or just stepped out the front for 10 seconds, he'll jump all over me, lick me to death, and run laps around the living room in excitement when I return. He's gorgeous (the photo doesn't do him justice), intelligent, loving, and just so happy all of the time. How could he not bring a smile to my face?

And then, of course, there's Christmas. Other than singing Christmas carols and acting in nativity plays as a child, I've never much cared about the religious side of the holiday. But it's an amazing time of year and I love it. I love the atmosphere: the decorations around the city and shopping centres, the frantic shoppers, the sales, the rising summer temperatures, and the feeling that December 25 is just around the corner. For us, it has always been a time for family, despite how small that family may be. It's always spent at home with mountains of traditional food: turkey, ham, pork, yorkshire puddings, trifle, mince pies, plum pudding, candy canes etc. There are carols and presents, and the post-lunch turkey-induced nap is usually followed by some time spent swimming and sunbathing around the pool. It's a fantastic, lazy day and is something that even the most secular of us can enjoy. Absolutely my favourite time of the year.

Day 20: Someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future

If you're asking me to point out a specific person in my life, then I can't do that. There's nobody I know at the moment whom I could see myself marrying ... not happily, at least. But if this is about describing a hypothetical person, then that will be fun:

Physically, he'd be taller than me, probably around 6'1". Average build with nice arms, but not a full set of rippling abs. Not a gym junkie, just conscious enough of his health and body. Blue or grey eyes are ideal, and I'm cool with any hair colour that isn't red (no offense, redheads). It'd be great if he were one of those rare men who could actually pull off the stubble look too.

He'd be older than me, more experienced, and probably around the same level of intelligence. But while some of our areas of expertise should overlap, others shouldn't: I want to be able to impress him with random facts and have him to be able to do the same to me. He should be able to speak another language and have a sexy accent - sorry, Australian accents just don't do it for me. He must love science and reason, be a staunch atheist, and be fairly political liberal. I just don't think I could live and raise children with somebody who disagreed with me religiously and politically. He should have an awesome sense of humour, able to come out with both offensive politically incorrect one-liners and cringe-worthy dad jokes. He'd be the kind of guy who gets along well with his family and genuinely wants one of his own.

He'd sit somewhere in the middle of the extravert-introvert scale; able to have deep conversations but also good at working a crowd and pulling me out of my comfort zone. But I don't want him to be one of those über social butterflies who stop every 10 steps to have a conversation with some other familiar person along the way. He should enjoy sports - I worry about any man who doesn't - but should enjoy knowledge more. He'd be a white collar worker, well educated at university, and earning a decent but not excessive income. They say that happiness peaks at $75,000, so somewhere around there, I suppose. He'd also need to have a sense of adventure, a desire to travel the world, and always be up for trying new and unusual things. A dominant personality. Somebody who is my equal, but whom I can also look up to when things are tough. Essentially, I want a slightly more exciting, motivated, and funny version of myself. And most importantly, he would love me for who I am. He'd never want me to change and would protect me, adore me, and always be himself around me. That's the kind of man I want to marry.

If he exists, can somebody please find him for me?

Day 19: Nicknames you have and why you have them

I don't have very many nicknames and they aren't that interesting, but ah well:

Niklips: This is mostly from my best friend and not used that often anymore, mostly just in text messages and the like. I know it started back in high school but that's about it. I guess we all had an obsession with slightly amusing body parts back then and it just kind of flows.

Niggy: This one pisses me off and my friends know it. We went out clubbing one night and a black man started dancing with me. As I yelled in his ear that I had to leave, my friends snapped a blurry photo and it sort of, almost, not really at all looks like I'm kissing him. That was at least 18 months ago but they still won't let me live it down. Now, almost every time a black guy appears in a movie or somewhere nearby, my immature and racist friends will make a joke about it. *sigh*

And then, of course, we have strange nicknames in my family. My brother and I sometimes call my dad 'biatch' and we get called it in return too. It started out as an in-joke from somewhere, but now it's been so long that we've all forgotten where it came from. I call my brother 'boyyy' in the same way Foghorn Leghorn says it and so he calls me 'girrrl' in a similar voice. I actually can't even remember the last time we used each other's real names. My mum generally calls me 'Nik' or 'Knickers', but sometimes goes with 'girrrl' too. All of this would probably be quite shocking to other people looking in (especially us calling our father 'bitch'), but we still respect each other. I guess it's just ... amusing.

But most of the time, for most people, I'm just 'Nik'. And I like it that way. Some people hate when people shorten their names (almost every David I've known has despised being called Dave), but I like the bonding that comes with it. I always get a little excited when a new person calls me Nik for the first time because it shows we've made a decent connection and that they're comfortable with me. And for someone like me who never pays as much attention to people and their feelings as she should, that's really helpful.

Day 18: Plans/dreams/goals you have

Plans, dreams, and goals. My favourite.

I suppose they work down in a hierarchy of likelihood, don't they? Dreams are the crazy things that we'd love to happen to us but probably never will. My dreams are to win lotto, travel the world, marry rich and spend my days as a trophy wife, or become dictator of the new world. Marrying rich is a possibility, I suppose, as is travelling the world. But I have no chance of winning lotto because I rarely buy a ticket and, alas, the world seems rather hostile towards dictatorships.

So I guess that brings me to goals. These are the more realistic ideals you set for yourself: the things you think you can achieve with some work. As I've said before, setting goals is not one of my strong suits. At least, not in the short term; I suppose long term goals are easier to think about. For one, I'd like to do a PhD. From there, I'm not sure. I wrote some time ago about how I feared I'd be trapped in the realm of academia. But now that I've found something I like, the idea of that isn't so scary. In fact, I think I'd actually like to work at a university. I don't know if I'm confident or interesting enough to teach - I suppose I could test it out by tutoring after I have my bachelor's degree (if they'll have me, of course) - but definitely research. I'd like to do something in the fields of artificial language or language pathology ... at this point anyway. I may find something more interesting along the way.

Then there's the family side of things. I want to get married to a nice man: older than me, with piercing blue eyes, a sharp mind, a brilliantly awful sense of humour, and a loving nature. I also want children, which is something I never thought I'd say. Inquisitive young minds ready to absorb everything, onto whom we can pass everything we know - god, I want that. I want a big (but not obnoxious) home, in a pleasant suburb not too far from everything. And I'd like all of this before I'm 35, thank you.

I'm also hoping to get active and fit. Maybe take up a sport, possibly get back into karate. Something. I'm aiming to expand my social circle, befriend a wider variety of people. My current groups of friends are quite different, sure, but in the end they're all white, liberal-ish, middle-class people. That's just not very exciting, is it?

And then plans? I suppose that's what you're planning to do to go about achieving your goals. Or just in general. Tomorrow, I plan to eat breakfast, go to uni, listen intently to my favourite lecturer and then ogle my attractive tutor. In the longer term I plan to go to the Hopman Cup, go a little bit over the top with the outfits and face paint in order to get noticed and get on television. I also plan to find a job because god knows I'm running out of money and desperately need one. Even further into the future, I plan to go on a Pacific island cruise, spent sunbathing on the top deck, blowing all my money in the casino on the lower deck, and trying to avoid dangerous creatures and tropical diseases in New Caledonia. But if I look ahead more generally? Well, I plan on doing brilliantly at uni, staying on to do Honours, then a PhD - or possibly a Masters in between if that's required. I plan on doing some volunteer work too, probably for some minor political groups I agree with and some social equality programs.

Basically, I plan to do whatever it takes to achieve my goals, perhaps even some of my dreams. And honestly, I think that's about as much as I can control for now. Whether or not all of those plans are followed through with ... well, that remains to be seen!

Day 17: Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

I don't care how lame this sounds ... a top secret spy in the CIA. Yes, I'm sticking with the term 'spy' because 'intelligence officer' just doesn't sound as exciting. And I'm saying CIA because ASIS doesn't seem to have the same appeal. Everyone knows the CIA is where it's at.

It was always my dream to be a spy and travel the world masquerading as someone I'm not in order to elicit important information from others. What a lifestyle. I know it wouldn't be all action and jetsetting, but I can handle the desk job part in exchange for some excitement like that. Also, getting to be privy to secret information and knowing things that others aren't allowed to know ... doesn't that just sound amazing?

My dreams are still filled with top secret missions, and running for my life from masked gunmen. While my friends are dreaming about sleeping with celebrities, I'm dreaming about advanced computer hacking programs, classified documents, intricate cover stories, walking straight into danger and then talking my way out of it, and exciting action scenes that could be straight out of a Hollywood movie. It's probably because my real life is so mundane. I love what I'm studying at university - god, do I ever - but I just need some more excitement. And what better to provide that excitement than working for the CIA?

Is the spy lifestyle really like that? Is it really as exciting as they show on television? Probably not, but I'd sure love to have a day to find out.

Day 16: Another picture of yourself

This photo always manages to make me laugh. It was taken back in our year 12 drama class while we were rehearsing for a performance, which turned out to be terrible. It was set in a psychiatric institution and my character was having flashbacks to a war where her parents and siblings were taken away, while the rest of the characters had their own crazy delusions. I can't even remember much of the plot, but a friend and I originally wrote a lot of it, only to have it changed significantly by our teacher and others. The whole thing was very symbolic and the above photo comes from a scene where everyone was wrapping me up in some cloth. I just popped a friend's pair of aviators on, got someone to take a photo, and it ended up looking even funnier than I'd imagined. And yep, that was a pretty typical day in drama.

Day 15: Put you ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play

At least this is an easy one today.
*gets ipod out*


1. Sleipnir - Manowar

2. Tribute - Tenacious D

3. Vuelve - La Oreja De Van Gogh

4. 9 Crimes - Damien Rice

5. Uprising - Muse

6. On Ne Changera Rien - Pleymo

7. Blue - A Perfect Circle

8. You Raise Me Up - Westlife

9. Isabel - Il Divo

10. Forget December - Something Corporate


There we go!
I think that's pretty representative of my music too, which was convenient. A bit of power metal, a bit of foreign stuff, some pop, some rock, and a couple of things that are hard to classify. Nice.

Day 14: A picture of you and your family

Again, I have to skip.

I don't have any photos of me and my family because my mum refuses to let anyone take a photo of her. I think the only thing even close to a family photo is one of my dad, brother, uncle, and me at Christmas about 10 years ago ... and I wouldn't have a clue where to find that.

Also, speaking of my uncle, I just found out he had a stroke today. So even if I could find a photo, forgive me for not being in the mood to write a lot. He may be a complete arsehole, but he's still my mum's brother. And as much as she despises him, I know it will still kill her when she gets home and finds out. Family is family, after all. So I just feel for her at the moment.

On a less compassionate note, I'm trying to do an assignment on aphasia at the moment, and now all I can think about is if he'll have some form of it because of the stroke, and if I'll be able to diagnose it. I know that probably sounds incredibly heartless, but I can't help my inquisitive scientific mind. You see what you're doing to me, linguistics?

How progressive are you?

A lot of interesting things pop up in my twitter feed and this was one of them:

How Progressive Are You?

It's 40 statements and you just decide how strongly you agree or disagree with each. Simple. You receive a score out of 400 at the end so that obviously means you're getting a score out of 10 for each answer. I would debate the reliability of that sort of scale: just because I don't throw myself so completely and passionately behind an idea so as to pick 0 or 10 doesn't mean I'm less progressive on that point than someone else who does. And that's pretty typical for me - I leave myself open for doubt and it's very rare that I'll ever choose the most extreme answer on any sort of questionaire. But I digress. You're going to find that sort of thing with all internet quizzes anyway. Maybe I'm less INTJ than the internet tells me too...

I scored 293, which apparently makes me "very progressive". I wouldn't argue with that. There seem to be a few examples "change for the sake of change" floating around at the moment and those grind my gears a bit, but for the most part I think we need to be moving forward (damn you, Julia) progressing as a society and that means a whole lot of things need to be addressed. Gay people are still rallying for equal rights, public hospitals are overflowing and nobody's doing anything about it, the divide between rich and poor is ever-growing, refugees are being kept in prison camps, and don't even get me started on that Queensland couple who faced trial for procuring an abortion and the government's refusal to change the laws. What century are we supposedly living in here?

Back on the topic of the quiz though, it was interesting to see the averages of other groups. Unfortunately, it's American though, so the scores are likely to be more on the conservative side than what you'd find here in Australia. At the bottom of the scale, conservative Republicans averaged a score of 160.6, while Liberal Democrats topped it at 247.1. Women (214.3) were more progressive than men (204.3), while Latinos (228.4) and African Americans (224.3) scored higher than Whites (203.7). What I found most interesting about that result is that Latinos and African Americans are typically more religious than their white counterparts, so their progressivism is somewhat surprising. Perhaps it's that they tend to be the ones who are disadvantaged by America's often backwards society, whereas whites enjoy a more privileged existence in which capitalism and social conservatism is less of a hindrance. Pure speculation, of course, but it's one suggestion.

Incidentally, the results also demonstrated that those with a post-graduate education were more progressive (227.0) than those who had completed only high school or less (206.4). But, as we already know from those conservatives who claim they'd rather their children were educated by the first 50 people in the phonebook than by the liberal staff at Harvard, higher education does make you more progressive. What a surprise.

Day 13: A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

*sigh*

Another task that I can't really do. Nobody has hurt me recently. In fact, nobody has hurt me in a very, very long time. Except for me, of course. It seems that I'm my own worst enemy. Writing a letter to myself would be kind of weird and would probably just say, "Dear Nikki, you're an idiot and you need to start making more responsible decisions if you ever want to get anywhere in life. Love, Nikki", so that would be pointless.

So I'm skipping this one and am planning to post something else instead. At least I'm still acknowledging today's task and am doing so within the time limit, so I'm not really losing, right?

Day 12: How you found out about blogging and why you have one

How did I find out about blogging? That's like asking how I found out about the internet. It's just always been there, hasn't it? If I had think about it though, I'd say my earliest recollection of blogs would be from when I was back in high school. Year 9, I think. One of my friends had a LiveJournal and, somehow, the idea of pouring one's life out for the entire world to read appealed to me too. So I created one too. I suppose mostly I was just interested in reading what said friend had written in his: he was far more candid there than he ever was in person, and I've always enjoyed seeing how different people's online personas are. People are far more honest on the internet, whether it's because they think their real-life friends will never read it, or that they simply don't care because they don't ever have to make eye contact with anyone while doing so.

But on the other hand, I also wanted a more permanent record of my life. Even if I'd ever bothered to write in a hardcopy diary (which I'd be incapable of because I edit far too much), it probably would have been lost along the way. And what good are memories, really? They're so flawed and it's easy to forget the true ones and invent false ones. Not to mention they're a poor reminder of what you were feeling at any given time. So that's why I started my first blog.

Looking at it now though, I don't know what I was thinking. It's terribly written, full of netspeak, and I've found at least one incorrect use of "your" and "you're". How embarrassing for somebody who now prides herself on her grammar. Fortunately, my subsequent blogs have been a little more tolerable. In the meantime, I've had a myspace blog, another LJ, a blog on a forum I frequent, and now this one. Apparently I've had this account for over two years, so obviously I had intended to start writing it sooner too.

Back to the reasons though. I'd like to say I still blog because I want a record of my life, and perhaps that's true to some extent, but these days I just like to talk about things. My internal monologue takes the form of a blog and it only makes sense to actually get it down. I want somewhere to write about all of the things that interest me - even if it is an eclectic mix - and have people read it. It doesn't even matter if it's only a few random people from around the world who will never actually comment. Most people I know aren't that interested in the same things I am and are probably sick of hearing all the random little facts about language, the brain, and humanity that I'm always coming out with. So here I am in my own little corner of the internet, writing about nothing significant and hoping that I can actually keep it up for more than a few months this time.

Day 11: Another picture of you and your friends

While I was searching through my photos, I came across this one and just had to use it:

Chad, Me, Shannon, David

This was from our high school performance of the The Grinch. Except in our case, it was "The Grynch With a 'Y' Who Stole Christmas in July". Yup, very lame. I'd like to say that the experience was a lot of fun, but it was actually a nightmare. Nobody ever had any enthusiasm, it was impossible to get anyone to do what they were supposed to, and people always found things to complain about. I think we were all glad to finally have it over with in the end. At least the costumes were delightfully camp, I suppose. And being out on stage in front of everyone is always a great experience ... even when you're dressed in colours that should never be seen together and dancing around like a fool. I kind of miss that.

Oh, and no, I'm not that much shorter than everyone else - I'm just the only one not wearing shoes!

Day 10: Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad

Ugh, these are the sorts of questions I hate. And since I'm on the laptop at the moment, I won't be able to go through my itunes library, so this will probably be a poor effort.

When I'm happy, I love upbeat music. This is often new-ish stuff with a heavy beat and simple lyrics. Just turn on Nova and that'll give you a pretty good idea. I also love foreign music and tend to fall back to a few favourites: Junge by Die Ärzte, Primavera Anticipada by Laura Pausini & James Blunt, Inolvidable by Reik, Tú No Eres Para Mí by Fanny Lu etc. Fun listening.

When I'm sad, hyped, or mad, I like angry militaristic music, particularly martial industrial. It's probably a strange genre to like, but I find it inspiring, uplifting, and powerful. The dum dum dum drumbeat draws me in and appeals to the more disciplined side of me (and ok, maybe also inspires images of sexy military men), and I just love it. It helps me channel my bad moods and excessive energy. I don't know about particular songs though, I just like to let Youtube decide for me: there are plenty of good playlists out there. Power metal is another good genre for pumping me up. And again, Youtube playlists take care of the song choices for me. Yes, my itunes library is in serious need of an update.

And then when I'm bored (or in any other mood, I suppose), I love classical music. My favourite pieces are O Fortuna by Carl Orff, Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, and Chopin's Nocturne no.21 in C Minor (this version).

There's probably a lot more I could list (Backstreet Boys, Muse, ABBA, Il Divo, Darren Hayes, Enrique Iglesias, MCR etc) but I've just about run out of time here. I think I've managed to cover the basics, at least. 

Day 9: Something you're proud of in the past few days

I have no idea.

I've done absolutely nothing of significance in the last few days. I've been so busy with uni work that I've had no time to do anything exciting or worthy of pride. And even then, I can't even be proud of doing a good job on uni work, because I haven't. I haven't been able to motivate myself to do much and tonight was supposed to be my crack-down night. Hah.

So instead of being proud of myself, I'm proud of all of the Australian athletes who competed in the Commonwealth Games and helped us run away with the competition. They weren't all necessarily the most sportsmanly, but they were brilliant and really did our country proud. Bringing home 177 medals, 74 of which were gold, is a fantastic achievement for the team. I know it's not as big as the Olympics and a lot of people didn't care about it, but I did and it's always lovely to see international competition of such a high standard.

It's also nice to see an event not dominated by the Americans or Chinese, where we actually stand a chance :) Good on you, guys!

Day 8: Short term goals for this month and why

Ah, goals. I'm terrible at them. I pretty much never set any unless forced, and even then I usually forget them within a couple of days. I'm just no good at motivating myself. But since I'm being forced now, let's see what I can come up with for the next 30 days:

1. Pass my exams
I think this is the most important one. I'm not worried about linguistics and will be aiming for 90% in that one, and politics should be alright too - hopefully 80%. However, micro and macroeconomics I'm really stressing about. I'll be aiming for about 75% and that's going to take a lot of doing. But as soon as I get all of my assignments out of the way (next Thursday is my last one), I'll be hitting the books as hard as I can. Fingers crossed.

2. Formulate some research ideas
I've been thinking of starting some sort of independent research for a while now. I have some very vague ideas, but I really need to consolidate them and do a whole lot of reading. It would be nice to get a start on that within the next month. Time permitting, of course.

3. Lose over 5 kilos
Yep, I need to get off my lazy arse and do some more exercise. I could probably aim higher, but I want to make sure I actually achieve it so I'll keep the bar low for now. At least then I'm more likely to be pleasantly surprised.

Ok, I think three should do it. The next month is going to be pretty hectic with uni so keeping it simple is definitely the best idea. I hope I'll actually end up doing any better than every other time.

Day 7: A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

I have to cheat a little today. I can't upload any photos so I'm just going to have to write instead. Who has had the biggest impact on me?

The logical answer to the question would have to be my parents, right? They raised me, taught me things, encouraged me, gave me pretty things, and loved me unconditionally. Your parents and the way you're raised are obviously going to have the most significant impact on the way you turn out.

Honestly, I can't fault the job my parents did with me, except perhaps that they gave me too much and I've still yet to learn the value of things. But they pushed me just enough to succeed without ever being those overbearing parents who live vicariously through their children. They made sure I always had everything I needed and many of the things I wanted (except for the pony that every little girl wants). They bought me so many books when I was a kid: fairytales, novels, history books, science books - god, I loved science. I loved reading about how the earth works, about animals and ecosystems, about space, and most of all about dinosaurs and paleontology. I used to know everything about dinosaurs: all of their names, when and how they lived, what they ate, what their skeletons looked like; I just loved them. It's really no surprise that I have such a scientific mind these days after all the time I spent poring science books.

Then of course there's the fact that they never raised me with any religion. The horror stories I hear from others who were indoctrinated from birth make me incredibly grateful for this. It must be incredibly difficult to change your thinking when you've believed something your entire life; I couldn't imagine that. My parents wanted my brother and me to instead make up our own minds when we were old enough. I suppose it would have been awkward anyway - my mum was a Mormon for some time and although she doesn't follow it anymore, I think she still believes in something, and my dad is a staunch atheist. Interestingly, my brother and I have split off in the same way: he joined a Christian church several years ago and seems pretty happy with that, and I'm here in godless (ie. common sense) land.

I know there's so much more I could say, but it's getting very close to midnight and I don't want to run out of time to get this posted. Suffice to say, my parents have absolutely had the biggest impact on me. As far as the nature/nurture argument goes, I've always believed that nurture is by far the most compelling and powerful force. It shapes us so much more than our genes ever could, and we truly are the products of our environments and families. So I'm grateful beyond words for everything that my parents have done for me. They may not be the most financially successful people around, but they always managed a comfortable existence and did everything they could to ensure my brother and I had a great childhood and a happy family. And I think that makes them successful in a far more important way. How can you ever possibly repay that?

Day 6: Favourite super hero and why

I hate super heroes.

I never read the comics, I never watched the tv shows, and I rarely see the movies. I just think they're lame. It's always some regular person with some sort of childhood tragedy who suddenly has to go around saving the city from a psychotic super villain, and that just doesn't appeal to me. Maybe I'm just a party pooper?

The only person close to a super hero whom I ever remember liking was Captain Planet. I loved that show. Maybe I just thought the theme song was catchy, or else I was a hardcore environmentalist as a child, I don't know. But it was my favourite show for a long time. So yeah, I'll go with Captain Planet. Not only did he save the planet, but he didn't bore everyone with his childhood woes, he didn't have to hide his identity, and he never had run-ins with bitter people from his past who made it their personal vendetta to destroy him. That, and we only ever saw him for about 5 minutes per episode.

Day 5: A picture of somewhere you've been to

I haven't been to many exciting places, so this is the best I've got:

Sydney!

This was a bit of a spontaneous trip actually. My best friend and I were discussing how much we needed to get away from everything and suddenly we'd booked the trip. It was just from Friday til Tuesday but it gave us enough time to look around and recover from the stresses of real life. I think the above photo was taken from Luna Park, which was surprisingly small and dull. The amount of fuss people make about it, you'd think it was massive and exciting, but I would rather spend the day at our own Adventure World.

The hotel we stayed at, although it was well-priced and had everything we needed, was TINY. The shower was bigger than the rest of the bathroom. Also, the train line was literally only a few metres outside our window, and the trains would go thundering past every 20 minutes for the entire night. Fortunately, the rest of Sydney was far better. The view from Circular Quay was lovely, we went on a nice harbour cruise, and the casino was amazing.

View of the Opera House from our cruise ship.

Unfortunately though, we had a big night at the casino the night before we had to fly home, and being hungover and sick on a plane is no fun at all. I could barely move all morning and spent some time being sick in the plane toilet (mile high vomit club - classy!), and Shannon ended up going into some scary catatonic state that freaked everyone out. The flight attendants had to put her on oxygen and were convinced she had taken drugs, which she absolutely hadn't. So it was a fun flight.

All in all, we had a good time though. It was good to get away from uni and work and everyday life for a while, and Sydney really is a nice city. I could probably never live there - people seem to have no concept of personal space - but it would be nice to visit again and explore some more.

Day 4: A habit that you wish you didn’t have

This is an easy one:

Procrastination.

If there were some sort of competition for procrastination, I'd surely have a good chance of winning it. Well, perhaps not, because I'd procrastinate so much that I wouldn't even end up going. You see the problem.

Every single assignment finds itself completed in the hour before it's due, having only been started the afternoon or evening before. As good as my intentions may be, I always manage to find something else that needs to be done, a show that needs to be watched, an interesting twitter conversation to follow, or some menial task that I'd probably never do if I didn't have an assignment to put off. In fact, why do you think I'm writing this entry right now? I have three assignments and a presentation due this week and I'm yet to really start any of them. It's ridiculous.

Of course, assignments aren't the only victim of my procrastination. Life decisions, weight loss, event invitations, and job applications are just a few other things. Why sort things out now when you can just leave them for another time? I'm not very good at saying no, so declining an invitation is not a lot of fun. And that new diet and exercise regime? Ah, I'll start that tomorrow. A lot of the time, I just leave it to time to take care of things. Just avoid whatever it is I don't like until enough time has passed that I don't have to deal with it and the decision is made for me. Real healthy.

I'm doing my best to change though. It's just a matter of really pushing myself and thinking about things that motivate me. I want to be successful in life, and success isn't going to just throw itself at me (or will it? no no no, bad thinking!) so I'll have to actually get my arse into gear and eventually do something in a timely manner, right? I should definitely start looking for a decent job, get to work on my assignments, and get on the treadmill to turn my life around.

Eh, maybe tomorrow.

Day 3: A picture of you and your friends

I haven't taken any sort of group photo in ages, so I thought I'd take a walk down memory lane for this one:

I suppose the writing in the corner already gives this away, but it's from our high school graduation ceremony. We TEE kids were a pretty cohesive bunch: we had our own little groups but we were all friends and, surprisingly, the biggest partiers of the lot. It's actually a strange feeling looking back at this now. It seems like it's been forever and a day since this - a whole other chapter of my life, long ago closed - but at the same time, I can't believe it's already been 5 years. Amazing, really.

Those were good times, but the times we've had since have been even better...

Day 2: The meaning behind your blog name

Ok, I don't know if there are people following 30 day challenge posts all over, or if I just used a whole lot of keywords in my last entries, but this blog had a big increase in views overnight. That's pretty awesome. Please though, don't be shy, comments would be much appreciated. I see people reading (and I know some friends are) but I still kind of feel like I'm talking to myself here.

Anyway, the meaning behind my blog name.

It really speaks for itself, doesn't it? Shades of grey, because nothing is ever black or white. That's the view I've taken towards most things in life. For the most part, there aren't any extremes. I don't believe in the concepts of good or evil because I don't believe human nature works that way. I'll use the terms in general conversation simply due to ease but, honestly, they're not very effective words. They evoke a sense of God-given morality: an ethnocentric view that certain actions we value are considered 'good' and anything contrary is 'evil'. That's not to say I don't condemn things like murder, but I refuse to classify it - or the people who commit it - as evil. Things are never simple and it would be ignorant to lump anyone into any sort of category, especially one with such negative connotations. People are just people, with different motives, different mental capacities, different goals and desires, and different ideas about what is and isn't acceptable. I'd go into more detail on good and evil, but I feel like this is a topic for another day.

For a different perspective, look at politics. You have the Left and the Right. But what are those, really? How do you define those ideologies? By market freedom? By social freedom? By the size of desired government, if any at all? How is that libertarians, who believe in small government and maximum liberty in both the social and economic spheres, find themselves on the same side of the political spectrum as big-government, socially-oppressive conservatives? And then, how strongly do people support their chosen ideologies? It's not an all-or-none sort of thing, as much as some crazies on either side would like to believe it. You pick and choose the parts that suit you best. Where am I? Socially, I'm so far left I'm about to fall off the chart; economically, I'm left of centre but not excessively so. So what specific label does that put me under? Damned if I know. Then there's politics in practice, and that's a whole other ballgame.

Furthermore, look at scientific theories. In particular, I'm thinking of the linguistic nativism vs empiricism debate of language acquisition. Essentially it's another nature vs nurture argument. Hardcore nativists claim that our brains are completely hardwired for language, right down to a syntactic level. Everything we learn is because there exists a universal grammar, a set of rules that all humans automatically possess. Harcore empiricists, on the other hand, claim that all language is learnt. There is no built-in knowledge and we learn simply because we are taught. If we're not taught, we won't acquire language. As far as I'm concerned, neither of these theories, in their extreme form, have any sort of credibility. It's most likely that the true answer is some combination of the two: that we have a hardwired disposition towards language but require exposure and practice in order to develop it. A lot like intelligence, I suppose. Again, like so many times before, the answer lies somewhere in the shades of grey.

But it seems I've ranted on far longer than I thought I would. The point is, I don't see things in extremes and I think that's a healthy view to have. How did that actually become the name of my blog though? I'm not entirely sure. I started using it for other blogs a while back and it sort of stuck. I actually remember reading a book called '48 Shades of Brown' back in high school, so perhaps I'd remembered that and gone from there? I don't know. But either way, I think it fits me well and sometimes being a fickle pain in the ass can be fun, so I'm sticking with it.

Day 1: A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

Ok, it was a little difficult finding a recent photo, but this is a drunken one from last Saturday. Yes, that's a real old-school bike helmet and yes, there are a shitload of books in that room. Additionally, it's probably the only time you'll ever see a photo of me without makeup online. Now, for the 15 "interesting" facts:

1.  I'm terrified of commitment. I always worry that I may be missing out on a better offer. As a result, I'm even terrible at making the most insignificant of decisions - just ask my friends what it's like to take me to the dvd store. I would love to be in a committed relationship with someone, but I always feel like I'd be settling and giving up the opportunity for something better. I also can't commit to a career path, which is why I've studied so many different things at university.

2.  I did karate for about 7 years when I was younger. I loved it at first but eventually came to hate it; however, my parents refused to let me quit until I got my black belt. I eventually won out though, and quit at the grade before black belt. Now I'm kicking myself for getting so close and wish my parents had been more persistent. Sometimes I feel like going back, but I've forgotten so much and I'd feel like an idiot.

3.  I can write fluently backwards, as well as upside down. I don't ever remember teaching myself to do it; the ability has just always been there. I thought everyone could do it, but I've read research that says otherwise and that it's possibly linked to atypical language pathways, so now I feel like a bit of a freak. Or perhaps awesome.

4.  I'm a diehard (men's) tennis fan. I could watch it all day and still not get bored. If you want to know who won Wimbledon in 1986, then I'm probably your girl. (FYI, it was Boris Becker.)

5.  I've only been given flowers once in my life. It was a strange experience too. I was killing some time by reading in my car at Bibra Lake and a couple of guys pulled up next to me. A few minutes later, the driver yelled out hello to me and he and I started talking. After a while, they left. They returned a few minutes later, pulled into the flower-shop across the road, and then the guy gave me a pretty bouquet and asked for my number. He did call me, but I missed his call and he had his number on private so I couldn't call him back. That was the last I heard of him, but hey, it makes for an interesting story.

6.  I'm a sucker for blue eyes. Not simply because they're pretty, but also because I'm stuck with dark eyes and dark hair so seeing someone with actual colour in their face is really awesome for me. Opposites attract, right? It's also great because you can watch their pupils and tell when they're interested.

7.  My first (and only) job was working for an auto parts store. My dad also worked for the company and knew the boss, so getting the job was easy. Subsequently, I've never been to a job interview in my life. I hated every second of the job with a burning passion, but it paid surprisingly well so I stayed there for five and a half years. I'm determined that my next job will be somewhere clean.

8.  On the topic of firsts, my first car was a purple '96 Hyundai Coupe. It was an awesome car - it drove like a charm and you could give it hell. However, my current car - a pretty blue '09 Ford Fiesta - is far better: it's sexy and has ipod connectivity. Best birthday present EVER.

9.  I've only once stepped foot in a church, for a christening, and I don't remember it at all. We joke that I would burst into flames if I ever did again.

10.  I'm fascinated by the darker side of human nature. Mass murderers, evil dictators, psychopaths, hate groups - it's all so very interesting to me. I think it's because it's so uniquely human: plenty of animals are loving and family-orientated and work well in groups, but it seems that only humans are capable of such premeditated hate and evil. I actually spent a lot of time studying neo-Nazi groups for a psychology project last year. Not as cool as studying serial killers (though it would be hard to find them), but it was eye-opening. Kind of like a car crash: really awful, but you can't look away. It all just amazes me in a sick sort of way.

11.  My favourite number is 3. Interestingly, my birthweight was 3.33kg.

12.  I used to be terrified of vacuum cleaners. I don't know if I thought I was going to be sucked up or what, but every time someone would turn ours on, I'd flee outside and hide until they were finished.

13.  I have a bigoted asshole for an uncle. He drinks heavily, wears boots and confederate caps, and once threatened to kill my gay best friend ... at Christmas. Needless to say, we don't see him anymore. Good riddance.

14.  I love participating in experiments. I love the tests and the electrodes and getting to theorise about what they're actually testing. I've had electric shocks sent into my forehead, had to answer difficult maths questions with a baby crying in the background, been put in a big rotating drum with black and white stripes to induce motion sickness, had capsaicin smeared on my arm for several days, and been paid to taste-test beer. It's fun!

15.  Erm ... I own a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs.

So there you go. I don't know if that was actually interesting or not, but ah well.

30 Day Challenge

(No no, not the "eat a bowl of Special K every day for a month and see how you feel!" one)

I have a lot of trouble blogging. I'm not an exceptionally busy person, but I can never seem to find time to write. On the rare occasion that I do, nothing ever seems to come to me. Throughout the day, ideas will pop into my head and for a long time I've been thinking in blog-form, as though I were writing it all down, but it has all disappeared by the time I have a chance to actually do anything with it. Not to mention it's difficult for me to write: I'm so pedantic about everything sounding a certain way that I'll spend ages sitting there, writing and rewriting, suffering through lethologica to find the perfect words, and just staring blankly at the screen. It's frustrating.

So I've thought that maybe doing the 30 Day Challenge - the month-long blogging exercise that has been floating around the interwebz lately - would be helpful. It will give me something to write about each day and there will be no excuses not to do it. The lineup is as follows:


Day 1: A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 2: The meaning behind your blog name
Day 3: A picture of you and your friends
Day 4: A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 5: A picture of somewhere you've been to
Day 6: Favourite super hero and why
Day 7: A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 8: Short term goals for this month and why
Day 9: Something you're proud of in the past few days
Day 10: Songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad
Day 11: Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12: How you found out about blogging and why you have one
Day 13: A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14: A picture of you and your family
Day 15: Put you ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
Day 16: Another picture of yourself
Day 17: Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18: Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19: Nicknames you have and why you have them
Day 20: Someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future
Day 21: A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22: What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23: Something you crave a lot
Day 24: A letter to your parents
Day 25: What I would find in your bag
Day 26: What do you think about your friends
Day 27: Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28: A picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29: In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30: Your favorite song


Simple, right? Let's see how I go...

Donald Duck Meets Glenn Beck

I was intent on posting something tonight because I've been thinking about the casual dropping of English pronouns all day, but I'm feeling all achey and crampy and angry at the world. Blogging while cranky probably isn't the best idea so I'll leave it for tomorrow instead.

However, I did notice something else interesting today. I was driving home from uni and was following a truck on the freeway. I had planned to turn off at South St but as I approached the Leach Hwy exit, I had a last minute change of heart and exited there instead. As I moved into the turn-off lane, I looked back at the truck in time to see a long metal rod fly off it, right onto the road where I would have otherwise been. Lucky. Another interesting coincidence - maybe I'll start documenting them all just for amusement? Look, the almighty hateful and vindictive god doesn't leave the rebellious atheist to die! :P

But anyway, since I'm not providing any amusement today, I shall leave you in the capable hands of Donald Duck:





If you're not following: Glenn Beck is the Jesus - well, the other Jesus - of the angry, white, Christian, conservative Americans. I was going to call him their Hitler, but decided against it for fear of invoking Godwin's wrath. Suffice to say, listening to Beck is like listening to one of those late-night television evangelists and his followers just lap it up.

Cheese or font?

Cheese or font?

Can't tell your Goudy from your Gouda?

Don't worry, neither can I. But I stumbled across this interesting game, Cheese or Font? just before and thought I'd share. It's pretty simple: you're given a funny-sounding name and all you have to do is guess whether it's a cheese or a font. I like fonts and I love cheese, but I honestly don't know a whole lot about either. Sans-serif, bold, condensed, cheddar, smoked, blue ... that about does it for me. So I had a bit of fun with it.

There are 268 items, but there was no way I was going to do all of them so I just settled for 38. The first time around I just did a blind test, clicking randomly on either without looking at the name given. 52%, pretty much what you'd expect from chance. Then I went through again and actually attempted to get them right, and I managed 63%. Eh, not too bad, but I certainly won't be calling myself a font or cheese connoisseur anytime soon.

(Oh, and for the record: Calaveras is a font)

A story begging to be told

I know I promised to talk about those videos today, but I'm currently in the uni computer lab (during study break - that's dedication!) and don't have the links. But sitting here and looking at last night's post has just reminded me of probably the greatest coincidence I've ever experienced. Not great in the sense that it was so uncanny that I threw myself into the worship of a higher power, but great in the sense that I'm so happy it happened.

Firstly though, I just wanted to point out the amusing and unhelpful definition of 'coincidence' that Wikipedia used to have:

Coincidence is when something uncanny and coincidental happens.

No, really? I'm positive that 'don't use the word in the definition' was one of the first rules of defining that I ever learnt. But you've just got to love the collective mediocrity of Wikipedia, right? Anyway, I digress.

Back in semester two of 2008, I started having some issues with anxiety. I hadn't been particularly happy with how things were going: I think the semester previous had been my last semester of law and I was still miserable from that, and I was taking a 4th year unit in which I was way out of my depth. You see, I had intended to apply for Medicine at that point and I wanted to do so as an undergrad. With the Murdoch psychology degree, you can either leave at the end of your third year with a BA or do the final year and be awarded a BPsych instead. That was the end of my third year so I switched around a couple of units so that I wouldn't be able to graduate and wouldn't be counted as a post-grad student for Medicine. Now that I think about it, it was an incredibly stupid idea. Why on earth would I throw away three years of my life to not walk away with a degree? But at the time it seemed right, somehow. So here I was, stuck in a unit about which I knew nothing. I already wasn't happy.

But then there was one particular trigger and it really shook me. I'd lay awake at night, worried, crying, and hoping. It wasn't even anything major and it all turned out fine afterwards, but it really sent me into a downward spiral. I started worrying about everything. What if my parents get into a car accident while they're out? What if I do? What if people are thinking awful things about me? What if I look like an idiot today? What if I don't get into Medicine? What if I fail everything? And then even the minor day-to-day things too. I didn't want to go to uni, I'd freak out every time I tried to sit down and do an assignment, and I had no idea what I was going to do with my future. I don't know how obvious it was to those around me - nobody ever said anything - but inside I was anxious all of the time. Ironic, no? The psychology student with a psychological problem. At least it meant that I knew all the signs; I knew the relevant parts of the DSM like the back of my hand. But I didn't want to see anyone about it. One, because I didn't want my parents to know; two, because having a record of it would compromise my chances in some of the jobs I'd been considering; and three, it would mean admitting weakness and I'd always been so mentally strong.

So I just soldiered on. I ignored the persistent aches in my back, neck, and shoulders, as well as the mild heart arrhythmias that had developed. I took the UMAT and aced it, beating 98% of people in the country. And then I missed the application deadline. I don't know how, it simply slipped my mind and I didn't remember until the night before, by which time it was too late to obtain the academic transcript that I needed. So, defeated, I continued on with the next year of my psychology degree. At this point, they'd made changes to the structure of the course so I had to take more electives and complete a minor, so I'd still only have a BA after four years. Not to worry, I hadn't been too interested in doing the research component anyway.

But that year wasn't any better. The anxiety stuck around, flaring up worse at times, and it really impacted on my grades. I mean really impacted. It was a vicious circle, really: most of my self-worth was based on my academic performance - I was always the intelligent one, the easy-A student - so whenever my grades would drop, I'd feel even worse and my grades would subsequently drop further. I just couldn't win. So I did very, very badly that year. I've never had the guts to tell anyone just how badly I did, and I still don't. It wasn't a matter of "Oh, I'm so upset, I only got a C!" - it was truly, truly shocking. Now I had no idea what I was going to do with myself. I couldn't still do Medicine because my GPA was too low by then. But I definitely wasn't ready to go out and work - my place was at school - so, embarrassed, I looked into TAFE courses.

There was an interesting-sounding animal handling course available. I love animals so I figured that would be a good way to get back into study and get my grades up so I could look into another university course afterwards. I sent in an application and crossed my fingers that I wouldn't be left high and dry, trying to explain to my parents why I was rejected by a TAFE. However, in the meantime, I had also been browsing the UWA website, curious about what sort of courses they had. I loved the idea of an Arts degree, having so many majors and electives to choose from. The freedom sounded like fun. I noticed Linguistics on the list of majors and was instantly drawn to it. I'd enjoyed studying psycholinguistics (child language acquisition and the likes) in my last degree and just loved everything about language in general. It seemed like the perfect major for me. The only problem was, I didn't stand a chance in hell at getting into UWA. It's the hardest university in the country to be accepted into and, after the previous year and a half, I was certainly not up to standard.

I mentioned it to my parents and, after the initial "What's linguistics? Where will that get you?" that you get from everybody, they encouraged me to apply. I didn't see the point, but since I couldn't explain to them why, I just went along and did so anyway. It's free to send an application so what's the harm, right? But I was absolutely positive I wasn't going to get in. I told my parents that they didn't take very many non-standard entry students (as I was classified) so at least I had an excuse when I was rejected. So that was that, and I held out for the TAFE course. At least now I knew what I'd apply for at university after I finished that.

The end of the year eventually came and it was almost time for semester two results to be released. When that happened, mine would then be sent off to UWA by Murdoch and they'd see how awful I was and reject me instantly. However, it was right around that time that university staff got really pissed about something (pay?) and decided to take industrial action. They refused to officially release any of the student grades to the university. We still received them, but the university didn't. I received a letter from UWA letting me know that due to the action, they hadn't been sent any of my grades, but that it was ok and they'd probably get them after the staff relented.

I didn't really think about it much after that; in fact, I think I forgot about it completely. I was too preoccupied with the date that the TAFE offers would be released and with keeping myself together. I remember going online and waiting with bated breath for the page to load and was ecstatic to find I'd actually been accepted. Phew, I'd gotten lucky and my next year of study was confirmed. That just so happened to be the same day that university offers were released and my brother was online checking if he'd got the course he wanted. He had, of course, but that reminded me to go on and acknowledge my rejection. So I went on and waited patiently while the server crashed multiple times. Eventually the page loaded and I was just left sitting there, staring at the computer screen in shock. There was an offer: UWARC - Bachelor of Arts, UWA. I didn't even know what to think. Was that telling me I had an offer, or was it just showing the details of my application? I went and checked over my brother's shoulder again and he had the same sort of thing. I couldn't believe it. I had 100% written off any chance of getting into that course, put it out of my mind completely, yet here it was.

How had it happened? The lecturers still hadn't released the grades and UWA never received my results for that semester. It wasn't until a few weeks later that I finally got an email telling me the grades had been released. They'd held out long enough for me to sneak my way in to my dream course. I still can't believe it. Just when all hope is gone, BAM, here comes a spanner in the works and oh-so-conveniently the university misses out on a potentially crucial piece of information to judge me on. It's an amazing coincidence. At times, I still don't feel like I deserve this chance. Some other hard-working student probably missed out on a place because of me. All I did was get lucky, like I always do. But I like to see it as a second chance. It wasn't some sort of divine intervention ... rather, it was simply one of those funny things that life occasionally throws you. You just have to appreciate the opportunity and make the most of it.

And that's exactly what I'm doing.

I feel fantastic now. I can't remember the last time I was anywhere near this happy. I haven't felt anxious or depressed or anything negative since I started here. I've managed to pull myself out of the slump and it feels amazing. The classes are great, the people are great, and the two Linguistics lecturers I've had so far are the best lecturers I've had in my five years of university. I'm making grades in the 90%s and it's just fantastic. I feel refreshed and content and incredibly passionate about what I'm studying. That's something I haven't feel in a long time, and never to this extent. It's a really nice feeling, and it feels even better now that I've got that story off my chest.

My friends and family couldn't understand why I didn't go to my Murdoch graduation ceremony. Well, that was why. I hated everything about being there. I hated the classes, I hated the staff, I hated the students, I hated the work. For that last year there, it was a miserable place for me. So is it any wonder that I didn't want to go back and celebrate the experience? I'm just glad that I've finally found something I'm truly passionate about and that, by some crazy stroke of luck, I'm able to pursue it. Life really can be great sometimes, can't it?

Coincidences

I'm currently listening to the replay of a radio show (Behind The Mirror on RTR FM, in case you were wondering) from last Wednesday. I didn't pay any attention to the time when I started it and I've paused it along the way to make tea and watch some amusing videos (more on that tomorrow). Anyway, one of the hosts just announced, "It's exactly a quarter to one," and out of instinct I glanced down at the clock.

12.45am on the dot.

Man, I love coincidences. That's almost as cool as the time my ipod shut off halfway through a Kanye West song a couple of days after he cut Taylor Swift off at the VMAs. Perhaps even cooler.

Why?

The thing I hate most about humanity is our persistent need to know "why?"

Not everything needs a reason. Time progresses; the world changes; things naturally happen. That's just life.

Why do we always insist on searching for a higher reason? How arrogant must we be to think that we, at an individual level, are of any importance whatsoever to anyone or anything outside of our circle of family and friends? How dare I think that some supreme being, with the entire infinite universe at his or her fingertips, cares so much about me as to lovingly plot out my whole future. And how dare we think that this entire universe was created simply to satisfy our own tiny, greedy, selfish race.

So why are we here? What's the meaning of life? Why do things happen the way they do?

*shrugs*
No reason.

The election conclusion (part uno)

Keep dreaming, Tony. We've all seen you in those speedos...

At last. Seventeen days after the Australian people went to the polls we finally have ourselves a new government. Hooray!

Personally, I'm thrilled with the result ... but not surprised. I think most of us predicted before the election that Labor would just scrape a victory. It was clear they would lose a lot of seats and a lot of support, but we also knew that a lot of those turning away from Labor were not running to the Coalition. Instead, they were turning to the Greens, and through the preference deals those people were still backing Labor. So it's no great surprise that they managed to hold onto power. But that said, I don't think any of us expected it to come right down to the wire like this. Who would have thought that the fate of our country would be in the hands of three independents? And who would have thought that two country conservatives would ever throw themselves behind the left-wing ALP? My mind boggles.

So what does the twittersphere think of it? Well, I've trawled the popular #ausvotes and #auswaits hashtags (that's a lie, I actually skipped uni to spend all day following them) and collected a sample of tweets:

"I especially liked the bit where Tony Abbott didn't become prime minister; that was my favourite bit."

"Now at least when the aliens come and ask us to take them to our leader, we won't look like complete idiots."

"It's been an exhausting week, but at least the Evil Empire has been thwarted, and Oz has its first (sort of) elected female PM!"

"Julia Gillard is not my prime minister, and Labor is not my government. Fuck despotic, lying, deceitful Labor. VIOLENT OVERTHROW."

"It's hilarious watching the conservatives devolve into sweary, bitter, incoherent messes after about an hour of relative peace."

"I do love the idea of a minority govt — hope it acts as a precedent so we can see more indy MPs and shift away from the two majors"

Surprisingly, the response is mostly positive. From what I've seen, there are a lot more politically-active conservatives than liberals on twitter, so it's odd that everyone has taken the result so well. I guess those Young Liberals aren't as ferocious as everyone makes them out to be.

I think the last poster has a good point too. There's a lot to be said for the European style of proportional representation, where a number of smaller parties form complex coalitions that cater to a wide variety of interests. Here, the Greens polled about 12% of the primary vote but won only one seat. How is that representative of the public opinion? I'm glad that the Greens will be working with Labor over the next three years, but it would be far better if they had a more active role. 

So yes, as you can probably tell, I voted Greens. I would have voted for the Sex Party if they'd had a candidate running in my electorate, but the best I could do was preference them first (followed by the Secular Party and the Greens) on the Senate ballot. So the Greens were the best bet in order to help send a strong message. They're the only party who actually understand social issues like marriage equality and refugee rights. There's just no place in today's society for social conservatism and it frustrates me that neither of the major parties are willing to take any action on gay marriage, especially considering that around 70% of Australians support it. The ALP has also shifted significantly to the right on immigration, catering to the racist bogan vote. I hate that greedy people smugglers are able to profit by sneaking people into the country in leaky old boats, but the idea that these people are 'illegal' and must be turned back is even more disgusting. Just look at where Labor have shifted to on the political spectrum this election:

Graph from www.politicalcompass.org

The two major parties have been stealing policies from each other and the line between them is becoming blurred. It's no wonder that people are becoming disillusioned. There's just so much to hate and I haven't even touched on economic issues yet. It all comes down to the lesser of two evils and, fortunately, I think Australia has done a good job of choosing the right one this time. But we've also made it perfectly clear that we weren't happy with how things were (not) progressing before. If our delightful red-headed overlord expects to win another election, there are a lot of issues she'll need to take a stand on. I just hope that this precarious minority government situation will force them all to think things through and genuinely work in the country's best interests.

Australia has spoken, Julia. Do us proud.




(there will be more on this when it isn't 2 in the morning)